We are all born with basic emotional needs: to feel seen, safe, soothed, and secure. Psychiatrist Dan Siegel describes these as the foundation for healthy development. Luckily, babies have a few built-in tools to help—like being irresistibly cute and triggering a surge of love hormones (like oxytocin) in caregivers. Our brains are also highly sensitive and adaptive, always calculating best ways to keep ourselves connected and safe.

Ideally, we learn to regulate our emotions through a caregiver who is consistently attuned to us. But when connection feels threatened, we quickly learn to adapt. As researcher Brené Brown notes, when we have to choose between being authentic and staying attached to our caregivers, we’ll choose attachment every time—because it helps us survive.

Over time, these adaptations shape our personalities. For example, some people learn to gain love by achieving, being helpful, keeping the peace, or challenging authority. This isn't good or bad—it’s just how we learned to stay close to others. These early strategies often become blueprints for our future relationships.

Before age three, most of our memories are stored as feelings and body sensations, not clear stories. This is because our brain’s language and reasoning centers are still developing. Psychologist Erik Erikson suggests this early stage of psychosocial development is when we learn who and what feels safe and trustworthy, not through logic but through intuition and emotional memory.

Our early experiences—including family, culture, and peer dynamics—shape how we see the world and relate to others. We’re constantly gathering sensory data, comparing it to past experiences, and using it to make predictions about what will keep us connected.

Think of your brain as a processor and your body as a storage unit for memories and experiences. Together, they help shape your Inner Working Model (IWM)—a mental blueprint, a term coined by psychologist John Bowlby, that guides how you see yourself, others, and relationships.

Questions like "Am I lovable?” and “Can I depend on people?" are answered—often unconsciously—through this model. Because young brains can’t fully grasp complex situations, kids may form inaccurate beliefs such as "My parents' divorce is my fault" or "I can't disappoint anyone." These beliefs shape how we react to future situations.

We all wear different IWM “glasses.” That’s why two people can have completely different reactions to the same event. Psychologist Alfred Adler highlighted this idea: it’s not the event itself, but our personal interpretation, or lens, through which we experience the event that shapes our emotional response.

We have thousands of thoughts a day—many of them negative and repetitive. These Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTS) come from core beliefs in our Inner Working Model and lead to emotions that drive our behaviors.

For example:

• Situation: Someone is unusually quiet.

• Thought: "They’re mad at me."

• Feeling: Anxious.

• Response: You shut down or over-apologize.

This chain often happens without us realizing it. The more we can become aware of our thoughts and the beliefs behind them, the more we can choose different responses. Cognitive neuroscientist Dr. Caroline Leaf emphasizes the importance of awareness, explaining that it weakens the grip of negative core thoughts and opens the door to change. By noticing and naming our thoughts, feelings, and reaction patterns, we take the first step toward reshaping both our thinking and our reactions.

Our brains learn through repetition. When neurons consistently fire together—especially during strong emotional experiences—they form lasting networks. Later, a small sensory detail (like a smell or sound) can re-activate those networks and trigger memories and emotions.

This is why the smell of rust might bring you back to your grandparents’ bathroom and a warm feeling of being loved, or why a certain tone of voice might bring up intense feelings from your past. Some memories are clear, while others are stored in the body as sensations without conscious awareness.

Psychologists often describe “big T” trauma as events that are life-threatening or overwhelming to the body and nervous system (like abuse, accidents, or natural disasters). “Little t” trauma refers to painful experiences that may not seem catastrophic on the surface but still leave a lasting emotional impact—such as repeated criticism, feeling excluded, or being dismissed as a child. Both types can shape how our nervous system responds later in life.

As psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk explains, unresolved trauma often shows up as physical and emotional symptoms that seem to come out of nowhere. For example, if you survived a serious car accident, even the sound of screeching brakes might cause your body to tense, your heart to race, and your mind to shift into “fight-or-flight” mode, even if you’re completely safe. On a subtler level, if your teen uses a sarcastic tone and it echoes the way you were once dismissed, you might suddenly feel 15 again and react from that younger part of yourself. Both are examples of how the brain and body remember.

Counseling helps you make sense of all these inner connections. When people come to therapy, they usually have a “presenting issue”—like a behavior they want to stop, a painful emotion, or trouble in a relationship.

Different therapeutic approaches offer different ways to help:

• Holistic Psychology: Looks at the person as a whole—mind, body, emotions, and sometimes spirituality—rather than focusing only on symptoms.

• Cognitive Psychology: Studies how we think, learn, remember, and solve problems.

• Behavioral Psychology: Focuses on how environment and reinforcement shape behavior.

• Humanistic Psychology: Emphasizes personal growth, self-actualization, and free will.

• Psychodynamic Psychology: Explores unconscious drives, early experiences, and how they influence current behavior.

• Biological Psychology (Neuroscience): Examines how the brain, nervous system, and biology affect thoughts and behavior.

Most therapists draw from a blend of approaches—such as DBT, ACT, IFS, EMDR, family systems, or somatic therapy. While certain methods are especially effective for issues like PTSD or addiction, research consistently shows that the strongest predictor of positive outcomes is the quality of the relationship between client and therapist.

My own approach blends Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with Humanistic (especially Adlerian), Acceptance and Commitment theory (ACT), and some Internal Family Systems (IFS) principles. I believe that awareness is powerful. When you understand your own patterns—how your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and behaviors are connected—you gain the ability to change.

I also believe we are wired to connect meaningfully with others and to feel significant. Our early family dynamics, birth order, and attachment styles shape how we connect, soothe ourselves, and deal with conflict. If all behavior serves a function—like helping us feel safe or stay connected—it can be helpful to understand why we react the way we do.

By slowing down and creating a pause between a trigger and a reaction, we can ask:

• What am I feeling?

• What do I want?

• What response will best help me feel understood, important, or loved?

In short, we are often wounded in relationships, and we heal through relationships. Therapy is one of those healing relationships that can help you reconnect with yourself and others in meaningful ways.

Over time, we can learn to fully experience our feelings, understand where they come from, and move toward our values and goals without being hijacked by old patterns, thoughts, or reactions. This process takes time, reflection, and support—and the length of a counseling relationship can vary widely, from a few months to several years, depending on your goals and needs.